The "S" word...

OK, fair warning. This post is going to piss some people off. It's impossible for me to write on this subject without getting fired up, and at the end I really let fly with some pretty blatant statements, none of which are directed at anyone in particular. I want it known that I am NOT trying to start any fights or family divisions, although spirited debate is welcomed. I'm not accusing anyone of anything, just stating my opinions and letting everyone know where I stand. Nothing written here is meant to be inflammatory, and I won't answer any questions relating to this post that start with the word "who...". I don't mean to hurt any feelings, I don't want anyone to cry, I don't want anyone to be feel picked on, and I don't want any emails, comments, or phone calls that are either apologetic or defensive in nature. I understand and accept your points of view, and am asking you to do the same for me. I do defend myself and my choices within, which I just asked you not to do, but it's my blog and I can do whatever I want. :) You may also want to keep in mind that present time is 1 am, it's been a long day culminating in a call to 911 when Kayla fell on her face and wouldn't stop bleeding (she's fine, didn't even go to the hospital, and Charlie loved having paramedics and firemen in the house at 9 at night) so it's possible that I am not at my mental or emotional best as I write this. That said, you may want to pee before you read, should you decide to continue reading, cause it gets long, too. :)

Time to address the "s" word.... socialization. Since this is obviously the biggest concern among people who care about Charlie, I figured I would just lay out my thoughts. I'm going to first go through the subject of socialization as it applies to homeschool in general, and then as it applies to Charlie, which of course is a whole different penguin. Before all that, a little funny to break the ice... It's been proven that home schooled children have no problem at all socializing with children from the local traditional schools... as long as they remember to use small words, short sentences, and speak slowly. :)

All righty then, on to the good stuff. The following comments ARE necessarily my own opinion and opinion only. Also, I haven't even discussed this post with Todd, so if you are going to go off on anyone, it's me you want to find. Now, really, on to the good stuff.

The idea that home schooled children lead such sheltered and protected lives that they cannot function normally in a social situation is simply bullshit. It's propaganda started by the public school system, which loses funding for every child in the district that is homeschooled, and has every right to be upset about that since they are vastly underfunded in the first place. It's perpetuated by the large amount of fanatic families who home school for spiritual reasons, the children of which are actually isolated and strange. On top of that, it's now become somewhat of a pop culture phenomenon to continue misinforming the general public on this... witness the episode of "South Park" where the home schooled kids come to school, or check out a book called "The Berenstain Bears and the Nerdy Nephew". By the way, Charlie loves the Berenstain Bears books, but if this one ends up in his collection, I'm warning you now, I will FIND you if you gave it to him. :) So, it's no wonder that everyone is concerned, because socialization has, unecessarily, become the hot topic concerning home school.

I've broken socialization as a whole down into what I feel are the important parts: Positive socialization, negative socialization, arbitrary socialization, guided socialization, and situational socialization, all of which combine to create what I call "real - life" socialization. Definitions/examples: Positive socialization is a group of children playing a game together, taking turns, encouraging each other, and congratulating the winner. Negative socialization is a group of children playing the same game, with hitting, screaming, playing out of turn, and sore losers. Arbitrary socialization is when you gather children by age, put them together, and practice crowd control. Guided socialization is when a parent chooses the groups their child is a part of. Situational socialization is being a part of a group when the situation calls for a set of generally accepted socialization rules - you may be with a group of people at movie theater, and therefore in a social situation, but that very situation (and good manners) demands that you not talk during the feature. Real-life socialization is how we all relate to people in the real world...at the grocery store, at work, at the bar, where and when ever.

Your basic public brick and motor school, more often than not, does a great job with negative, arbitrary, and situational socialization. Negative - have you been on a playground or watched the news lately? The saying "kids can be so cruel" wouldn't be a saying if there were not some truth to it. Kids are teased, threatened, bullied, and hit every day on public school playgrounds. When I dropped Kayla off for her first day of preschool this year, there was a class of 4th or 5th graders in line in the hallway, and one boy just flat out slapped the girl next to him across the face. The teacher's reaction was to tell him he needed to "work on that behavior". What does that phrase even mean to a 9 year old? No time out, no "go to the back of the line", just "work on that behavior". Ridiclous. Arbitrary - elementary school is the very definition here. Group everyone by age, not by ability or interest, since that's the easiest most convenient way to keep track of them, and make sure they don't kill each other. 'Nuff said. Situational - this relates to the arbitrary a bit... the situation is, in order to teach 25-35 kids of any age, the teacher must demand that they sit still, be quiet, and pay attention at all times, and because of time constraints, there is no going off subject to explore what might be an interesting tangent. This is actually physically unnatural for small children, who are curious, imaginative, creative beings who like to move around and have short attention spans. There is also medical evidence that children function best in a group situation when the sizee of the group is less than or equal to the age of the child... a 9-year-old would play best in a group of no more than 9 children, including himself. While there is an argument to be made that children encounter positive socialization at school, the majority of the time this takes the form of encouragement and praise from the teacher, and since I assume all of you are concerned about Charlie's interaction with his peers, I'm just going ot leave that alone. I don't get to choose who Charlie socializes with at the b&m school, so there is no guided socialization.

Home school offers the opportunity for children to experience all 5 types of socialization, and in a manner that better prepares them for "real-life" social skills. Because a home schooling parent gets to choose all of the groups their child socializes with, there is guided socialization. Field trips to different places such as museums, movie theaters, plays, zoos, anywhere, all carry with them an element of situational socialization. Arbitrary socialization can occur during playgroups... these are generally based on age, and are also generally a time for kids to have free play, or recess if you will. Any group of children will eventually involve some sort of negative socialization, and all siblings go through this as well. And last but not least, how can there not be positive socialization when the child is with the people who love him the most all day long? :) There is also a greater opportunity to provide positive socialization when the parents are choosing the groups to socialize their kids with... why would any parent actively choose to send their kids to a playdate or field trip with children that will be mean to their child? All of this combines to provide a greater and more accurate example to the home schooled child of how to socialize in the "real world". Think about this... when was the last time you were in a room for 6 hours with a group of 30 people who were all born in the same 12 month period as you? Bet it was your last high school reunion. :) In the real world, people are not grouped by age. In the real world, people are generally kind to each other, even in purely social situations. In the real world, no one replicates the social situations found at school.

How this whole social issue is different for Charlie... because of his autism, Charlie is lacking in social skills. He is learning, but can not yet play with kids his own age in what would be considered a truly normal manner. His play is not truly odd, just different. Rather than walking up to a kid and saying, "Hi, I'm Charlie, wanna play cops and robbers", he is more likely to say "HEY! What's your name?", then not answer when asked his name, then proceed to tell the kid he's playing with where to stand and what to do until eventually the other kid figures out that Charlie is wanting to play cops and robbers. He also just says strange things. He often repeats something he has heard on tv verbatim for as long as 30 minutes. He is more likely to imitate than initiate. So, you ask, why, if he can't play normally with his peers, do you want to take him out of a situation where he has daily opportunities to do just that? Practice makes perfect, right? Well, no. Charlie has a neurological disorder, a disability that does not allow him to learn that way. That type of arbitrary socialization will not help him. He needs medical intervention to help him get through the barriers in his brain that keep him from playing normally.

This will be accomplished by a social skills class, taught by an occupational therapist, that Charlie will attend once per week. Yes, he will also need free play time with other children in order to practice what he learns in class. My socialization plan as it stands now looks like this... 1 day at least every other week, we will join field trips with other COVA students or home school groups in the area. 1 day at least every other week I would like to take him to volunteer at an animal shelter, children's hospital, home for the elderly, something like that. 1 day a week we will join a playgroup. And 1 day a week he will have social skills class. I already belong to several groups of homeschooling parents and am confident that there are enough activities to make this schedule a reality. Other things we can do as they come up and according to his interest level include football, baseball, hockey, soccer, karate, swimming, 4-H, cub scouts, and storytime at the library. Or anything else he exhibits and interest in and is possible from a financial investment standpoint. I'll also be looking into expanding the spiritual knowledge of both my children by teaching them about different religions and, should they be so inclined as to want to go, taking them to church, temple, or whatever they please, which could in itself open up entirely new avenues of socialization opportunities. (subject to Todd's approval, as the spiritual education of kids should be a mutual parenting decision.) Through this proposed social schedule, I hope to teach Charlie (and Kayla) the following: how to interact socially with people of any age, how to properly behave in public, how to play normally, how to work as part of a team, respect for others (especially their elders), compassion for others, how community service really is a service to the community, including themselves, how to turn an interest into a hobby, how to lead, how to follow, how spirituality/religion can enhance their lives, and in the case of cub scouts, how to tie a wicked knot. :) Those of you reading this who know my kids, stop and think about whether or not you really need to worry about either of them turning into the quiet, shy, nerdy, socially inept kids that the critics would like you to believe are "typical" home schooled kids. My kids are both loud, outgoing, cool kids who love social interaction of any kind, and that's not gonna change. Charlie will be fine. He's going to have plenty of social opportunities with people of all ages and in all kinds of situations, just like in the real world. He will have friends. I know you all love him and want the best for him.... but remember, when it comes to the Great Education Experiment of 2005, I'm in charge, and no one loves him more than I do, and no one wants the best for him more than I do.

And now, a word on how the last week has affected me, from the time Todd and I first started discussing the Vitrtual Academy up till right now. This is your 2nd warning... rant ahead. :)

I am tired of being made to feel that I am doing the home school because it's what I want rather than because it's what's best for Charlie, tired of being made to feel that I am not up to the task, tired of being made to feel that anyone else knows better than I do what's best for Charlie. Not only am I Charlie's greatest advocate, I have done more research into and cried more tears over his autism than anyone else in the world. I am an intelligent, capable adult with 6 years teaching experience, 3 of them in the public schools, 15 years experience total in working with kids, and 6 years of daily experience with an autistic child. Not only that, but I am self-aware and pretty perceptive... if this doesn't work for Charlie, he'll go back to regular school, and I'm tired of being made to feel that either I won't see it isn't working or I will ignore the fact that it isn't working. Most of all I am tired of the assumption that it won't work. With a few exceptions (thank you, my ever supportive DS buddies!) I have gotten the impression that everyone I have told about this has some serious doubts as to my sanity. Well, I could very well be insane to try it. But until it's proven not to work, either get on board or pretend to get on board, and give me a little support here. I have enough problems without feeling like I'm not backed up by my friends and family. Rant over. Again: Flame wars, not welcome. Spirited debate, welcomed and encouraged. I love all of you. :)